10 Things They Don’t Tell You Before Having Kids

1 – You can never again walk around the house without slippers or shoes on due to fear of standing on a toy, bit of food or the sheer amount of crumbs everywhere.

2 – It is possible to get touched out. Having someone constantly on you / being held / feeding like a limpit means by the time the evening arrives if anyone makes any physical contact with you or comes within a meter of you, you will run away screaming.

3 – The whine of your own child can cut through your soul quicker than Bolt can run after taking speed and downing 3 cans of red bull.

4 – You will become the master of eating food as fast as possible so you don’t have to share and in secret so the kids don’t see you eating something you don’t want to have (note. This is an excellent bonus of non parent facing prams).

5 – You will know children’s TV show theme tunes / characters better than you know your best friend and find yourself watching them after your child has left the room.

6 – Everything you want to be and desire to be as a parent won’t happen, especially if you delve into the realms of more than one child. No sugar diet and no TV? Ha ha ha!

7 – As soon as they gain control of their limbs they become black belts in nappy changing avoidance techniques / impossible to get in a car seat / ninjas to punch you in the face.

8 – You crave doing the supermarket shop alone and if you actually magically manage it you wander slowly around the isles reading every label just to drag the alone time out.

9 – The colour of a cup or anything equally trivial will be of VITAL importance.

10 – You will happily sing songs / lose all inhibitions in public places and not care what people think when your child is lying in the middle of the pavement screaming at the top of their lungs because you dared to tell them they couldn’t go the direction they wanted to.

(11 – because I just thought of it while doing it. Putting socks on someone else is really difficult and really annoying)

 

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