Grandad Died Today

My Grandad died today.

I’ve been thinking a lot in the past week while he has been in hospital about how I feel about it. Trying to make sense of my emotions isn’t my strong point so writing them does help.

I considered asking my mum for a load of information about Grandad before writing this but it would defeat the purpose of the post and what I feel.

Here is what I know / think I know about my grandad:

– Born in Malaysia
– Evacuated to Scotland in the war
– I don’t know who he grew up with
– Married my Gran who was a teacher
– They had 3 children
– He was very funny, and got on particularly well with my little brother
– He helped a lot of people and did charity work in a shop and RSPB bird counts
– He was very stuck in his ways
– He didn’t move with the times, never owning a computer or learning technology
– He was either unemotional or just didn’t portray the emotions he had
– He was very practically skilled and physically strong

Now, not only is that the extent of what I know, but it could all be utterly wrong. I don’t even know how old he was, let alone any details of his personality. He was in his early to mid 80s I think. Neither he nor I made the effort we should have to build a relationship and spending my childhood in Gloucestershire while they lived in Glasgow didn’t present much chance to know him either.

We were never close and I feel like his death should make me more upset than I am. I am sad for others like my mum and Gran and Auntie, but I don’t feel strongly for myself.

This may seem really heartless but I want to represent my true feelings as well as understanding them for myself. When explaining to both my sister and father that I don’t feel that sad they both replied with ‘it is OK to feel whatever you feel’. And I think that is the essence of this post.

Whether it is about feelings towards others, your children, or yourself, or any opinion at all, how you feel is correct. They are your emotions and you should not only have the freedom to feel them and understand them, but to express them also. Understanding my feelings is one of my greatest challenges but I am getting better, mainly through practice as well as accepting that my feelings are OK, even if I don’t feel how I want to.

If you have a brilliant family, great. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter. Family is who and what you make it. I’m not as close to some blood relations as I would like, others I am, but I also have some none blood relations who are like sisters / aunties and uncles and they make up my family to be wonderful.

Xx

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