Why is it so taboo to say no or that you don’t like something?
Why is it seen to be ungrateful or rude to not like something?
All these things about thinking positively to overcome things, and negative thinking being so so bad and something you can instantly change is so fucking annoying!
I have spent the past few weeks trying this different approach to my mood and enjoyment of things. I’ve been trying to be positive and appreciate what I have (which is LOADS I am aware. I have a loving husband, two healthy happy children, work, a home, a family). I don’t want to be that person who has it all and just moans about it like a spoilt brat.
But because of this I am just suppressing my emotions and feelings and finding them coming back stronger.
I think this is why I haven’t written a blog for a while. I haven’t had any real or strong emotions to convey.
But now I do, and I feel like shit and am going to moan.
Here is how I am feeling now (no sympathy needed, I’m venting) :
– I don’t enjoy time with my girls like I should. I find them such hard work and I am the worst mother getting angry or annoyed by them all the time. I’m constantly worried I need to be saving for their counselling and all their mummy issues.
– My mother must hate visiting. She sees me at my worst and clearly doesn’t agree with how I am with the girls. But I feel like it’s out of my control and I can’t stand it. I hate how I am with them more than anyone.
– My husband, god knows what he thinks of me. I’d be more than fed up if I was him. I feel guilty constantly that he has such a shitty time because of me.
– I’m sure I’m regressing not only because I have been suppressing my emotions but because I have been really busy and ill, so things should improve as these do.
Going forward I don’t have much of a plan but I know things need to change, not just for my own happiness, but for that of my family too.
There is more and more out there now depicting and raising awareness of mental health problems, but it doesn’t make it any less utterly shite living with one.
The answer is not to spend less time with my girls as I don’t enjoy it, I need to spend more time with them which we all enjoy. I need to have more energy and health in myself and find walks we can go on to have simple and enjoyable time together.
I plan on hiding in my self loathing hole for a day or two, then embarking on a new chapter. Having watched a very inspiring programme about the connection of mental and physical health, I will be starting a health kick (not a diet as they are stupid and I want a positive body image for my girls, but I am the heaviest I have ever been just now and need to improve my health, not weight) to improve my energy and fitness, and hopefully my mood. I will stop suppressing my emotions and just be. I will spend time with my girls and attempt to teach them compassion and understanding, for me and others.
It needs to be OK to be negative. To not feel forced to be positive or made to feel ungrateful or bratty being negative. Often these feelings are self inflicted, but others can help by telling people who are struggling that it is OK to feel shit. It is OK to not enjoy life or its trials. Get off instagram.